Hey, i'm sorry for not blogging. shit has just been really bad these few days. well nothing was ever really going okay.. it just got a hell worse. So i just don't have have the mood to blog & all.. but this blog post i meant specially for someone.
Disclaimer: this is a very personal & ranty post about my story.one that would not necessarily benefit you in any way but i'm gonna talk about it anyway. Cos after all it is MY blog. If you're not interested or couldn't give 2 fucks, you can leave now & wait one or 2 days for another post. Thanks.
So there
is was this guy that i met. If you're really close to me, you'd know who i was talking about. How we met was kinda funny. cos if you've read my last post before i went on hiatus for prelim & o's you'd know how. Well basically i had this stupid crush on some guy at a cafe. after that shit i went on some 'zone-everyone-outta-my-life' phase. i literally zoned everyone out. my friends, my family. everyone. i would go to the library everyday & study alone. life was kinda unbearable. Then after about a month of that crazy fucked up phase, i decided to turn to the people closest to me. i turned to Chris & danielle. i asked them out, cos some how they were the only people who could really ever make me feel better.
Okay to summarise the series of fortunate & not so fortunate events. about 4 months ago, i met a guy who i thought was just another jerk. i refused to let myself feel anything for him. but we grew close & yeah, i fell. hard.
Let me just say this before all you judgemental peeps be all "who asked you to be so stupid to fall for his sweet talk" LOL. firstly, i did not,cos he did not sweet talk me. he didn't have to. secondly, you think i don't beat myself up about it enough already? you think i don't constantly think "what would've it been like if i didn't fall for him?" NO. you don't know balls. so you either sit yo ass down & read through this entire post or stfu, take your judgemental bitch of an attitude, stick it somewhere else & fuck the hell off.
as cliché as this sounds, Yes, he was different. Cos the truth is, every guy is different. Not one love story is the same. Not one heartbreak is the same. everyone has a story & i think everyone should respect that.
Well he was a great guy i guess, he was tall, funny & smart. he was my kinda guy. He studied hard, he knew what he wanted in life, he treasured his family & friends, he had a future. He was the kinda guy i would imagine spending every day with. He didn't tell me i was beautiful. He made me feel beautiful. He didnt tell me i wasn't fat. He carried me & would be like " if you're fat, i wouldn't be able to craddle you." He even hit off with my parents. Just being around him made me feel happy. it gave me this sense of comfort & warmth.
Jeez i could go on all day long about how he could light up my world like nobody else. but i won't. What happened was that i let myself for one second think that he wouldn't hurt me. i let my guard down & i let him tear down my walls. the walls i so carefully built around my heart to prevent it form getting broken again. he creeped his way into my life, into my mind & into my heart he made me rely on him, he made me need him. then he left. no explanations, no reasons, no goodbyes. just one second he was there & the next he was gone. I figured it was cos i was really just another toy to him so i let it go.
I just wanted to post this for all you broken hearted people out there. I just wanted to let you know that if you think you're alone in this, you're wrong. you are not & never will be alone. Being alone & feeling lonely is totally different. often we feel lonely but the fact is we aren't alone. What we should do is not to zone people out, but to let yourself be a lil reliant on others for once. I know what i'm like when i'm broken. I zone people out & i self destruct. But it's not good. One should never keep & bottle up all these emotions to themselves.
I was having some serious h2h with chris yesterday & he let me read this. His screen was fucked up so i couldn't read it but forwarded the whole thing to myself instead. but here it is.
This is for the broken hearted. I know how you feel. Empty, betrayed, and no happiness whatsoever. You don't want to laugh, because you know it's not going to help, but you don't want to cry, because it will just make you feel worse. You feel like your heart is falling apart, but not only that, but you know soon your life is going to feel like it's falling apart too. You don't think it will ever end, and no matter what this person has done to you, it feels impossible to stop loving them. And everyone wonders why if they have hurt you so much, then why do you still love them. That's the confusing part, you don't know why, you just do, and the people who hurt you the most, and normally the ones you love the most. And then, after a few weeks, you finally feel a sense of relief, like you're getting happy again, but you know inside that you're just going into denial. And after a few more weeks, you're back to where you were an empty soul and teary eyes. You thought you got over them, but really, you just stopped showing it. And you can't help but to show it again. It leaves deep scars on your heart that are there forever. And no one understands how you feel, and how deep you are hurt, no matter who they are, because it hasn't happened to them And even if it has, every broken heart is different. They don't know the true pain you feel and carry each and everyday now, so you learn that basically you are alone with all this. And the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and suddenly you just break down, right there, because you know you've had enough, the tears just instantly start flowing, and you're to the point where you don't care who see's. Because you've spent so many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days being haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. And in the midst of all these tears, you know that its not helping any, and it's not going to bring them back, if you ever even had them in the first place. After about a million tears have been cried, you finally pull yourself back together and keep going. Your throat starts to clench and your eyes burn with the tears you are trying to hold back. Everyone says, "It will be okay…” But you know it won't. And that’s the truth, it won’t. And you look back on all of the hurt you had from this, and you realize that people are horrible. You're still hurt, but you've learned to hide it so that everyone thinks you are okay. So now every time you see this person, you know you still love them, and you feel a slight tingle in your heart yearning for them to love you, screaming out, but for some reason they don't hear it. And then you sit back and wonder how one person could have caused all of this...
I haven't even read it. i just forwarded it to myself. cos i can't bring myself to. it reminds me too much of him. Hell everything reminds me of him...
That was for all the broken hearts out there. You're not alone. i feel you.
This, this is for you... if you're reading this.
Hey you. You're probably never gonna see this.. But who gives a fuck. I wanna type this out cos there's just no way to say it & not cry a goddamn river. I just wanted to tell you that I really missed you.. I've missed you for so long now. I just know that it doesn't matter to you anymore. But I just wanted you to know that since you, there hasn't been another guy that has been able to make me feel quite like the way you've made me feel.. You make me feel special. You make me feel beautiful. Despite what everyone else says & think. despite what I think, you make me feel otherwise. You make me believe that for one second, maybe I'm gonna be okay.. Maybe my life might have a happy ending & that maybe for once I'll be the lucky girl who actually gets the guy. Not that fat friend who just sits on the sidelines watching while her friends get all the good guys. You made me believe that I was worth something. You gave my life value when I thought I would never see value in my life again. You made me smile when no one else could. You broke down my walls I carefully built to keep guys out. You tore those walls down & got straight to my heart. You creeped your way in. You made me fall unconditionally & irrevocably in love with you. You were my one in 7 billion. Still are. I know this is stupid cos it probably will never be made known to you. & even if you did know that you wouldn't give a fuck.. But that's okay.. I mean it. It's okay. I mean of course I wanna be able to be your one in 7 billion. But I'm just not. I'm not as pretty as her, not as smart as her, not a skinny as her, not as perfect as her. Hell I'm not even anywhere near perfect. So I totally understand how you ended up leaving me when you realized how I could never be good enough of a replacement for her.. I just wished you either gave me a warning or said bye before you decided to completely disappear off the the face of my world. You should've at least said bye.. It would've hurt me so much. But it would at least let me get the closure I needed to move on. Now I just can't. I can't bring myself to forget. I mean it's not like I didn't try. Trust me, I've tried. Trying to zone out all those thoughts & feelings I had for you. But none ever worked. I still think of you every single day. It sucks cos it pains me to see you or talk to you, but i can't get you outta my head. I want you back. I want my dumb buddy back. I wanna laugh like the way you made me laugh. I wanna smile like the way I always did when you were around. I wanna feel happy again. I want you. I love you.. But it's cos I love you that I have to let go.. It kills me to have to accept that I will never get you back. Accept that you're so over me. Accept that I will never be good enough for you. But I have to.. & accept all that I will. Cause I wanna be happy for you. & I will be. I honestly hope you get her back. If you do get her back. I would be more than happy for you. Cos I know how much you love her, & that's how I feel about you now. & if the happiness you would feel when you get her back is that of the happiness I would feel if I get you back, then I really do hope you her back. Cos I want you to be happy. With or without me. You're a great guy, one of the best I've ever met.. & I know all that shiz you said to me probably meant nothing & you probably already said those to other girls & I'm stupid as shit for believing them.. But a part of me is still hoping that at least a part of all that was true & that maybe you meant a bit of it.. But even if you didn't. I see the goodness In you. I've always seen it. From the moment that you said I wasn't fat. To the point when you lifted your shirt to me when I was crying. To when you made me feel beautiful for the first time in my life. To the part when you were there to make me smile by just being around.. I know deep down, beneath all that swinging, you're the guy I fell in love with. I hope one day that guy comes back. He doesn't need to be my guy. Just you. The guy I knew would always be there for me. The guy who could light up my world with his smile. The guy who I am & will always be in love with. I love you. There I said it. No more hiding or being in denial. I love you.
Well that's it for today's post.. i'm sorry i promise ill post something a lil less melodramatic tomorrow.
